Darth Maul Poetry

I killed your master

What you gonna do about it?

Cry like a wimp?

I am so pissed off

But I have a soft side too

I want my mommy...

Die goody two shoes!

The sight of you sickens me.

I think I'll hurl now.

My sex drive is gone

Obi Wan used his saber

I have no privates.

Hellish Tatooine

Might be nicer if I'd stayed

at the Marriott

The flower's petals

fall silently in the wind

like Qui-Gon's body

Amphibious dolt

"Yousa people gonna die?"

You bet your ass, Binks

The dark side is strong!

But not as tempting as, say

Choc'late chip cookies

Count Dooku Haiku

I fight with two swords

But Dooku is stronger than me

Brown stains in my shorts

Yoda's sword is small

But ladies, has he, in droves

Even Dooku swoons

Count Dooku's greatness

Is nothing compared to that

Of Christopher Lee

A Sonnet for Obi Wan on Valentine's Day

How do I hate thee,

Let me count the ways

I hate thee for thy Jedi clothes

I hate thee for the way you pose

Your hands are folded peacefully

You stand there steady like a tree

You do not cry when I attack

You parry every slash and hack

Your blade is blue while mine is red

I hate you cause you are not dead

Your master fell so easily.

You piss me off, can you not see?

I hate you now with all my might

I hate you cause I'm half your height.

A Sonnet for My Wife, Maulina

Shall I compare thee to a Jedi Knight?

Thou art less temperate and not as dead.

Your devilish looks that make men fight

Your large tattoos and horny head.

Twas long ago when we first met.

That stinky meadow on Alderaan.

Don't worry dear, now do not fret,

That planet soon will be long gone.

Our hearts were filled with newfound love

Our hands were filled with beating hearts

For being Sith we don't keep doves

Instead we both keep Jedi parts.

Now I have work, I won't be long

I've got to go kill Obi Wan

Darth Maul Christmas Carols

Let Him DIE! (sung to "Let it Snow")

Oh the Jedi outside are frightful

But their blood is so delightful

And since we Sith lords don't cry...

Let him DIE! Let him DIE! Let him DIE!

Qui Gon doesn't show signs of stoppin'

But his spleen, I'll soon be poppin'

I'm really a naughty guy, so...

Let him DIE! Let him DIE! Let him DIE!

Silent Maul (you figure it out)

Silent Maul...Holy Maul

Come along...Have a ball.

Fight young Obi-Wan

Kill him you tried

If you'd had the Force

He would have died

Now you're dead, dude. You're deaaddd...

Sleep now dude, cause you are dead...

Jingle Maul (oh come on, you must know this one)

Jingle Maul, Jingle Maul

Jingle all the way

If you try that Jedi crap

I'll cut you up today...Hey


Jingle Maul, Jingle Maul

Jingle all the way

Soon that small brat Anakin

Will be the next to play.

Darth Maul Wonderland (sung to "Winter Wonderland")

Darth Maul slays...are you listening? 

Jedi blood...see it glistening.

A beautiful sight... 

We're hunted tonight. 

Walking in a Darth Maul Wonderland.

Jedi screams...are you listening?

See their it glistens.

A beautiful sight...

Darth's happy tonight.

Walking in a Darth Maul Wonderland.

In the meadow we can kill a Jedi.

And pretend that he is Obi Wan.

We'll say are you dead and he'll say, "No Man",

Cause I'm the one who lives in Star Wars 1.

Deck the Maul's (I won't even dignify this one with a hint)

Deck the Maul's with Qui Gon's body

Fa la la la la la la

Cause that Jedi wasn't naughty

Fa la la la la la la

Put you now your blackest robe on

Fa la la...fa la la la

And go hunting for Obi Wan

Fa la la la la la la